


how to die with a broken heart (satzu)

by hiraixoxo



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:15:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25066018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiraixoxo/pseuds/hiraixoxo
Summary: tzuyu leaves with everything, sana dies with nothing.
Relationships: Chou Tzuyu/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 17
Kudos: 44





	1. one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when tzuyu leaves, sana breaks.

Sana remembers all of it. Tzuyu's eyes, Tzuyu's skin, Tzuyu's touch. Her warmth, the comfort she provides. It was incredible. _Tzuyu_ was incredible.

But now that she's walked away with all of her, Sana couldn't help but to crumble to pieces.

With her knees on the floor and her fingers clutching her aching chest, Sana cried. Out loud. Tzuyu is gone. She left the older girl, with her bags packed and ready, placed by the door. Sana remembered how she clung onto Tzuyu, her tears wetting the fabric covering her favourite spot -- Tzuyu's shoulder.

For six years, Sana had considered that shoulder to be her home. Tzuyu was Sana's home. And even as the taller girl walked away, she will continue to be Sana's home.

_Tzuyu's legs took another step. Sana's tears were falling like the rain on a storm, never ending, loud and fast. Her body slid down, bring her arms down to Tzuyu's waist. Sana loved this waist. And it will be the only waist she will ever love._

_\--_

_"Please don't leave. Don't leave me. I love you."_

_Tzuyu stayed silent. Her shaky hands reached out for Sana's tight grip around her body._

_"Unnie," Tzuyu began, gulping down the fear in her throat, "please let go of me. The car's about to leave."_

_"No!" Sana exclaimed, her voice trembling with her knees. She was weak and frail without Tzuyu. How can she live without Tzuyu? "Don't leave me, please. You can model, travel and do whatever you want, but please. D-Don't do this. Don't do this to me."_

_With all the remaining strength Tzuyu had, her fingers unlatched Sana's grip from her waist and began walking rapidly, her boots clicking against the hardwood floor of their condo. Sana fell to the ground, still desperate on making Tzuyu stay._

_"Sana-unnie, they made me choose. You, or my career." Tzuyu began, preventing her eyes from flowing down. "I chose my career. This is my passion, Sana-unnie."_

_Sana's heart punched itself a million times, and another million. The pain consumed her, and tears began flowing down uncontrollably. Tzuyu stood tall and proud, her back facing the older girl, who was weak and fragile. Sana's tears dropped on the floor, forming a small puddle. She felt a small, painful twitch in her nose, and didn't bother to look at Tzuyu._

_It hurts too much for Sana._

Her hands were on her lap, with her legs folded on the floor. Strands of her messy blonde hair were all over the place. It was like she was frozen in place, and ordered to cry a thousand rivers by God. Sana's heart beat erratically, the blonde not knowing the reason why. But she knew it hurt. Tzuyu was gone. There was no one to embrace her. She was gone. The tears she cried formed a sad puddle on the floor, and as her eyes stared at it, she saw her reflection.

She was ugly. Ugly without Tzuyu.

The devil in her mind laughed at her. The angel was nowhere to be found. Sana could only think that the angel went out the door, following the wheels of Tzuyu's bags, riding a car to only God knows where.

Today was December 25. Tzuyu and Sana's anniversary.

And Tzuyu left Sana alone on that day.

Sana could never hate Tzuyu. Sana could never blame Tzuyu. And it sucks because, she could only blame herself for doing that. Tzuyu left her because her career outweighed her relationship with Sana. Sana was not an angel, and Tzuyu wanted to be one. Sana only supported Tzuyu, even before they were official. Sana gave Tzuyu everything she had to offer. Everything. Her first kiss, her first love. It will always be Tzuyu for Sana.

Sadly, that wasn't the case for Tzuyu.

And Sana couldn't question Tzuyu. She tried, she did. But it never went well, because she would always be blinded by her love for the younger girl. Sana spoiled Tzuyu with all her love. Everything went second to Tzuyu. Tzuyu was, and will always be Sana's priority.

_Don't leave me._

Sana feels it again, that stinging, lumping pain in her heart, but she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't even scream, her voice was trapped by the lump blocking her throat. Sana was too weak now, and she could feel her heart beating faster than it should.

The air in her lungs began seeping out, and Sana remembers.

\--

_"Yah, Tzuyu-ah! Stop that!"_

_"Can't help it. You look cute when you're angry."_

_"I'm your unnie! Show some respect here!"_

_"You're also my girlfriend, which means I can tease you whenever I want."_

_"Yah, Chou Tzuyu!"_

_\--_

_"Happy birthday, Tzuyu."_

_"Is that all I get for my birthday? A cake and some stupid heels?"_

_"H-Hey! Those things costed a fortune, okay? Stop complaining --"_

_"Can I have something else?"_

_"Like what?"_

_"A kiss, maybe?"_

_\--_

_"Happy birthday, Sana-unnie."_

_"Stop looking at me like that. You know I'm on my period."_

_"..."_

_"I said stop."_

_"..."_

_"... Fine. I lied. I'm not on my period."  
_

_\--_

_"What's this ring for, Sana-unnie? Are you proposing to me?"_

_"What? No. This is a promise ring."_

_"What's the promise?"_

_"That you are my first, and you are my last. I won't love anyone else, only you."_

_"Only me?"_

_"Only you."_

_"Well, I'll love only you as well. I'll love you until you die."_

_"Why until I die? Will you love someone else when I die?"_

_"No. I'll love you until you die because I think I'll be the first to go, which means you'll live longer than me."_

_"Hey, don't think like that."_

_"Fine. I'll love you until our last reincarnation, and even after that."_

_"Are you sure, Tzu?"_

_"I'm always sure, Sana."_

_\--_

Sana sniffled shakily. Her upper body was too weak now. She felt caved in, the air in her lungs were out. Her heart began beating slowly. Her tears still flowed down, unstoppable, unbearable. Sana was never one to hold things in. Once she gives in, she gives _everything_ in. It was all or nothing with Sana.

Tzuyu was Sana's everything. Sana was alright, as long as she had Tzuyu beside her.

But now, she didn't. Tzuyu left. Sana had nothing.

Sana has nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp... wrote this in one day, one go, one sitting with NO EDITS AT ALL. i was going through it so... yeah. not my best work, but i hope i'll improve soon.
> 
> also, please leave a kudos if you wanna know what happens to tzuyu!
> 
> note: part 2 is up!


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what happens to tzuyu now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! so after thinking long and hard about whether or not i wanted to go on with the story, well, i came up with this! i'm not sure if you'll like this update, but i'm hoping that you will.
> 
> fair warning: it's not a happy ending for them. i'll put a trigger warning here, for death. read at your own risk.

Tzuyu misses her.

How long has it been exactly? A year? Two years?

Tzuyu doesn't like how far apart they are, and she definitely doesn't like the fact that she left Sana alone for more than a year.

What exactly was her reason? Success? A strong maybe, but she loved Sana. Was it passion? Sure, but still, she loved Sana. Was it fame? Definitely not, Tzuyu didn't want that for her.

She really, _really_ loved Sana. And she still does, until now.

Tzuyu loves Sana with all of heart. But Tzuyu's stupid, or so she thinks. For the past few years, the Taiwanese has done _nothing_ but to drown in her designed pool of self-hate. She imagines her death will be painful, just like how she left Sana. Sure, it hurts on her part. It definitely does. But how about Sana? Tzuyu _knows_ for sure that she hurt Sana by leaving her.

Tzuyu was an idiot. She was an idiot who loved cute, bubbly Japanese girl Minatozaki Sana.

But she could have loved her better.

Which is why Tzuyu decided to hop on the very next plane to Japan, in hopes that she might see her lover again. Or ex-lover -- but Tzuyu preferred using the former, as it feels more... sweet.

She hoped that Sana would still be there, waiting for her on her doorstep. The chances are slim, very _very_ slim, but there's a glimmer of hope in Tzuyu's heart that maybe, just maybe, Sana would still welcome her with open arms. Like she did every day. Like she did after Tzuyu's classes. Or Tzuyu's hangouts. Or whenever Tzuyu would come home in the middle of the night because her gig ended late.

Sana was always there, her beautiful, sweet honey eyes that would always cheer the lights in Tzuyu's world. Her heart, which was now cold and dark and full of hatred for herself, would melt into a viscous feeling whenever she'd feel Sana's presence. Tzuyu was never one for affectionate touches, but with Sana...

Tzuyu's world was wonderful with Sana.

And that's exactly why Tzuyu wanted to come home to Sana. She wants her back -- much better if Sana thought the same. Although, Tzuyu knows that she's probably tired Sana of loving her. For two years, Tzuyu has been nothing but an asshole to everyone, especially Sana. She's thought of sending her a text, but Tzuyu always backed out before sending her a word. She's written letters -- heck, she's kept a box of letters just for Sana, and in those letters were tear-stained apologies of how she shouldn't have left her. Tzuyu meant each and every word of those, but she also knew that it wasn't enough.

Tzuyu's not enough for Sana.

Her heart was small and loved only a few things -- most of the space in her heart was occupied by none other than the lovely girl that Tzuyu used to call her. Sana's heart was big, and welcoming, and warm. Everything about Sana was amazing, and grand and beautiful, and Tzuyu didn't know why she went looking for something else when she could have the whole world with Sana.

Sana made every moment feel special to Tzuyu.

And Tzuyu didn't deserve those moments. Sana was just too good, too precious for Tzuyu.

And yet she broke her heart.

_Ah, there it is again. The pain._

Tzuyu clutched her chest, literally feeling some kind of sharp pain in her heart, as if punching her and stabbing her at the same time. She's had this ever since she left Sana, but she never bothered to call the doctor to ask for anything that it might be, because Tzuyu didn't need medical terms and stethoscopes to find out what it was.

It was a punishment. For hurting the most precious woman in the world.

And for two godforsaken years, Tzuyu took it. All of it. There were times when she wanted to call Sana out of drunk courage, and there were times when she thought she did, only to wake up with tear-stained sheets and a phone lying next to her, waiting for her to press the green call button. There were also times when she cried herself to sleep while thinking of what Sana was doing, or where she was, or if she found someone new. Tzuyu wanted to punch herself at the thought of it.

She wanted to drive herself into a dock and lock all the doors and never resurface because Tzuyu always thought that it's what she deserves.

She doesn't deserve Sana's heart, because, why would she be deserving of any of that? All she's done was to cut, and slash, and pinch, and hurt Sana over and over again and still, the girl comes back to her, all scratched and bruised, but ready to take the beating again. Not literally -- because then, Tzuyu would kill herself -- but Tzuyu was sure that that's what it felt like.

So there she was. Sitting on the leather seat of her private plane, and on her way to their now 4-year-old apartment, with a determined heart and a focused soul. When the pilot announced that they've landed, Tzuyu literally scampered out of her seat and into the concrete, the fresh Japan sun hitting her face as she towered over the reporters who seemed to have no problem invading her privacy. Tzuyu always thought they were jerks, but then again, she was more of a jerk than them.

Luckily, she had her manager set up a car to wait for her and lead her to her and Sana's old apartment. Tzuyu's lips curved up into a sad smile as the driver went on, carrying her to places _so familiar_ to her but also _so foreign_.

It doesn't feel the same without Sana. In Tzuyu's heart was a hole, filled with nothing. She feels nothing, but agony, and hate, and anger, and pain and questions. Why did she even do that? Sana should've been more than enough to make Tzuyu stay. But she didn't. So, why?

_Why?_

Tzuyu settles for the answer that was the most synonymous to her; she was desperate.

Desperate for approval? Check. Desperate for attention? Tzuyu doesn't know, but seeing as Tzuyu already considers herself to be the biggest asshole in the world, that's probably one of them.

She's never wanted to bathe in dog shit and mud before but now that she's minutes away from Sana's old apartment, it feels like the only thing she wants to do.

Tzuyu has dreamed, and _prayed_ for this day to come. The day she could finally tell Sana how much she messed up and how much she truly loves her. The words are engraved in Tzuyu's brain. The words were chosen carefully, because Tzuyu knew that Sana did _not_ deserve a half-assed, go-wit-the-flow, not-well-thought-of apology. No, Sana deserves _every good thing_ in the world and Tzuyu would want nothing more than to give her that.

Minatozaki Sana deserves everythimg.

The rhythm in her heart plays like a fast rap, like a drill. Her hands were clammy and she was kind of sweating, despite how cold it was inside the car. In a few seconds, she'd step foot into the apartment that she and the love of her life once shared.

There's hope in Tzuyu. She wasn't hopeless, because, even just the thought of Sana gives her hope. Maybe it was blind faith. Or maybe it was just Tzuyu being an idiot -- again, which wouldn't surprise the Taiwanese much.

"We're here, miss." The rough voice of the driver makes Tzuyu want to vomit, because she just wants everything to shut up for a while.

_It's here. You're seeing her. Finally. Remember the words, don't mess up._

Tzuyu reminded herself over and over again, nervously stepping out of the black limo and in front of the rusty old gate.

_Remember the words, don't mess up. Start with a smile. Give her a hug if she allows you. Never let go. Don't let her go._

"S-Sana?" Tzuyu shook as she pronounced her name. It burnt her, it scalded her tongue. God forbid someone as cold-hearted and ugly as Tzuyu be able to say the name of someone so sweet, so loving, so caring... So lovely...

_Tell her about the unsent letters. Do not tell her about the drunk nights. Don't trip over your own words. You practiced this. You practiced this yesterday._

"H-Hello?" Nervousness and anxiety flooded into Tzuyu's system, and her hands were shaking more than they normally should. She was nervous, yes. Totally. _Very._ She had gotten no answer from the first call and now that she's finally heard the clumsy clanging of several metals -- probably from spoons and forks, which totally sounded like Sana. Tzuyu didn't know whether to cry or to smile.

She was going to see Sana.

_I hope she's been eating well. The last time I saw her eat, I told her that her legs were getting too thin and that she should eat more. God, you are such an asshole, Tzuyu! I hope I rot in hell -- wait, focus. You are here to get Sana back. You're here for her. Now, practice your lines. Sana, I don't think there's a time when --  
_

The door opened, snapping Tzuyu out of her thoughts.

And snapping her into the world of huge disappointment.

"Hi? Are you looking for me?" Said a girl who was probably in her late teens. She was skinny, and definitely shorter than Tzuyu. She was pale, but not sickly pale. Tzuyu would've thought she was lovely if she hadn't been focused on one question and one question only.

_Where's Sana?_

"U-Uhm," Tzuyu shook as she tried to regain confidence. The patient eyes of the girl waited for her to be able to form a coherent sentence, and really, Tzuyu was trying _really_ hard to keep it all together and _not_ lash out on herself.

She would've failed if it wasn't for the girl mentioning her lover's name.

"You're looking for Minatozaki Sana? Why?"

Tzuyu's blurry sight shot up, glossy with tears. Her nose hurt a lot, as if she was about to cry. And she was, really. Her sanity was hanging by on a string.

"I'm her ex-girlfriend. W-Well, I'm not sure about us being, you know, exes, because we um... We never really had c-closure and I uh --"

"Hey, chill out, okay? I'm sorry she's not here. She gave this apartment to me."

Tzuyu's eyebrows creased.

_"Gave?"_ Tzuyu could not believe it. She would though, if she was back in her self-deprecating pool of loneliness and pain, but she wasn't. Right now, she was angry. And hurt. She felt betrayed.

"Yeah. She got married last year."

_What... In the... World?_

"W-Wh..." Tzuyu's words fell short.

"Look, miss. I'm really sorry about all of this... But I'm known to be blunt and careless. That's all I can give you. She's not here anymore."

Tzuyu noticed sudden movement, and by habit she reached out for it, but only by a slight distance. She gripped the bars of the rusty gate and startled the young girl. Tzuyu was desperate, and confused.

"D-Do you... D-Do you know where she is?" Tzuyu croaked out, voice small from barely escaping the boulder in her throat. She could only hope that the younger girl heard her, because she really, _really_ doesn't want to say it again.

_I lost Sana._

"No. But I think she's still in Osaka. She's living with her wife. You know Son Chaeyoung? You should go look for her."

_What?! Chaeyoung?_

"She married Chaeng?" Tzuyu said, her voice shaking, but now, not from the sadness, but the overbearing anger. Her knuckles turned white with rage and the gate shook under her fist. She couldn't even look up to the girl anymore. She didn't want to.

_Great. She married my best friend. My ex married my best friend. Of course. Chaeng, although 6 inches shorter than me, married my ex. Of course. You're that pathetic, Chou Tzuyu. Chaeyoung doesn't even love Sana. She loves Mina. Of course, she loves Mina. This girl is wrong. She's wrong! She's mistaken Mina for my Sana._

"Great. You know Chaeng-unnie. You two should probably talk. She lives in Shinpoincho. Just ask for a Mrs. Son and they'll lead you to her."

\--

Tzuyu knows it wasn't a good idea. No, it definitely wasn't. If before, she felt like she wanted to bathe in dog feces, now, she felt like _the_ dog feces. She was so pathetic that even her best friend, who had always pined for Sana's other Japanese friend, married Sana. Tzuyu was so sure of herself. That Sana wouldn't fall for anyone other than her. Probably Mark Tuan and Kim Junmyeon, but those two were happily married with their wives and had children of their own. So, no, Sana didn't think she had any other competition other than those two handsome men.

But Chaeyoung? The short, feisty, artistic Son Chaeyoung?

Tzuyu could break her own arm right now.

She was so mad with herself, so mad with the whole world that she just wanted to destroy herself into nothing but tiny fragments. She was so ashamed of herself an her desperation. Tzuyu was so...

The world stopped.

Familiar, bright, sunny eyes across the street. Her beige coat and her favorite black Louis Vuitton hand bag, only, much newer and shinier. Her eyes were sparkling, and glossy and shiny and it felt like her stare was everything good in the world mixed together in one fancy bowl. She had looked much healthier, much happier. She was just...

She was so perfect. So ethereal, heavenly...

Tzuyu's heart swarmed with heat as her loving eyes stared straight into the Taiwanese's soul. There, she felt little. Ugly. Malnourished. Dirty. Bruised.

It was like seeing Minatozaki Sana for the first time. Tzuyu thought she saw a whole new person, with her short, elegant brown hair and happy eyes that seemed to just light everything up in the world. Her smile defeated any others without a doubt. Sana looked like a different person, and Tzuyu wasn't so sure if she was happy or sad about that.

_Of course you should be happy, you idiot! Look at her, she looks so beautiful and healthy and happy!_

_But of course, someone else had to do it for you._

Before Tzuyu knew it, tears spilled out of her eyes and cried as she stared lovingly at Sana, who in fact, wasn't looking her way, but towards her wife, who just stepped out of the car and gave her the most loving and sweet kiss.

And it hurt like a bitch. Tzuyu smiled and sobbed and sobbed. She tortured herself with endless harsh and dark thoughts because _she deserved it._

Or so she thought she did.

Her heart was just heavy, as if it carried the burden of the whole world. Her tears were nonstop, and even the driver noticed. Tzuyu sobbed silently, like she always does. She was so used to the feeling, but this one... This one _hurt._ It shouldn't, because Sana was doing well. And she was healthy. And loved. And beautiful.

It shouldn't hurt because that's all Tzuyu wanted for her.

But it does. The pain lingers, even in her sad, silent hotel room. The sight of Sana and Chaeyoung kissing replays more than it should in Tzuyu's head. She doesn't know whether it was involuntary or she really just had some really strong masochistic tendencies.

_Whatever._

Her heart is still heavy, and her eyes hurt from crying. Her cheeks were still wet with fresh tears, and the water from her eyes didn't seem to have any plans of stopping any time soon.

So Tzuyu lets it. After all, this is what she deserved.

She let her mind go crazy with all the horrible thoughts she's been trying to keep at bay. But no, this time, they came back stronger and fiercer... And more painful. Of course, that kiss she witnessed between her ex-lover and her best friend was more than enough fuel to the fire. Of course.

_Of course._

Tzuyu didn't know what to do. She literally just laid on her bed, her legs hanging off from the edge, and her palms pressed on her face. She was breaking down, layer by layer, piece by piece.

_This is my punishment. I deserve it._

Tzuyu rolled over onto her stomach.

_There's nothing else I deserve. Not her, not my career. Not my life._

Tzuyu's eyes slowly fluttered open.

_What's the point? I don't deserve anything anyway. Why pretend?_

Tzuyu went on a push-up position and pushed herself from the bed and onto her weak, powerless feet.

_If I can't have her... I can't have anything else._

What Tzuyu did next was probably the most horrible thing in her life. It was tragic, and painful. Tzuyu was impulsive and careless with her decisions. But there was no one there with her who would remind her what was wrong and what was right.

Tzuyu was many things. She was talented, pretty, smart, and snarky. She cried silently to herself and she didn't like other people helping her out. She's always liked solving things on her own.

But with Sana's help, she was able to let a few people into the small space that Sana had left for everyone else.

With Sana, Tzuyu's heart was so full of love. Of magic, and happiness, and art and beauty. With Sana, Tzuyu wasn't the cynical girl everybody liked only because of her looks. She wasn't the pessimistic bully that every one grew to hate for years. With Sana, Tzuyu glowed. She smiled, and she shined. All because of Sana, and all _for_ Sana.

But without Sana, everything just boomeranged back into her system. The pessimism, the darkness, the pain...

Everything went back to Tzuyu.

Everything, but Sana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh, yes. tzuyu's dead, sana's alive, not knowing tzuyu visited her, or tried to call her, or that she's dead. it's tragic. and i hope yall know that this is originally supposed to be a tragedy. im sorry if it's not good enough, or if it was too much. i wasnt in the right head space when writing this.
> 
> i thank you all for reading. stay tuned for more. :)
> 
> -maeve

**Author's Note:**

> welp... wrote this in one day, one go, one sitting with NO EDITS AT ALL. i was going through it so... yeah. not my best work, but i hope i'll improve soon.
> 
> also, please leave a kudos if you wanna know what happens to tzuyu!


End file.
